Phone Call

I just received a phone call from the sister of one of my old students. I thought she was calling me about a homework problem, and instead it turned out to be a personal/family problem. There is a lot going on in her house, and unfortunately, I cannot help in the way that I want -- one of the exact reasons I left teaching. I hate being able to feel and identify problems with the world, and more specifically with people I care about, and not be able to completely take care of that problem. With my intelligence and ability, I should be able to do everything and anything, and the reality is, there are some things I cannot control and some problems I cannot fix. I DO NOT LIKE FEELING HELPLESS!!

In the course of the conversation she told me that her younger brother, my former student, was now actively claiming the gang he had gotten "walked-into" two years prior. Yet, everytime I talked to him and his mom they both told me he was doing fine. I had picked this student out from all others on the first day of class, and had developed a rapport with him over the course of the school year. My relationship with him was strained as the year came to a close, and I feel like I failed him as a teacher. Again, one of the reasons I am no longer teaching -- as a teacher, my administrators told me that I have to count the "ones" we save and let go of the ones we "lose." I cannot let go of those that I "lose." I had this student in the palm of my hand at the beginning of the year -- he listened to me in a way in which he had never listened to others, and yet, I could not keep him on the "right track" Him getting kicked out of our school is my failure. Him hanging out with the neighborhood gang is my failure. It is depressing to constantly live in a place of failure -- which is part of the reason I had to move on.

Alas, the fight is not yet over. I made some phone calls tonight, to some people who can help out with the situation, and I'm calling my former student tomorrow. I cannot accept that he's "lost." How the fuck did we get to a place in this country where kids are considered a lost cause by the time they're in 7th grade!? So much for "life, liberty, and the PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS." But, if anything, this conversation humbled me, and reaffirmed my personal and professional missions in life.